Salam Aidilfitri everybody. it's the first day of Hari Raya here in Malaysia. I'm typing this blog here in Sandakan, Sabah, my Hubby's hometown.
Wow. Sandakan's celebration of raya is so joyous and delightful. everybody here made me happy despite all the sadness i left behind in Semenanjung
Sad? Why sad? It's Hari Raya dude..!
yes i left Semenanjung with a very sad, stressful feeling. my beloved grandpa passed away the nite i left for Sandakan. 4 days before departure day my dad told me orang Semenyih (my dad's hometown) called sayin' atuk doesnt wanna eat, can't get up, hardly take anything even milk which he usually depend on... sounds bad enuff. i straight away called my hubby tellin him i wanna go back to Semenyih right then. so we went. i was so shocked the moment i saw him. he was nuthin but skin n bone. the last time i saw him he was still able to get up, laugh and eat. but this time.. tho i didnt want to except it, deep in my heart i knew he's not gonna last long. i talked to him, massaged him, fed him milk (which to my mak itam who's taking care of him said no one was able to fed him that much) and hugged him. i was very teary and my hubby kept on reminding me it's not good to cry in front of him but i just cant help it. i can't stand seein' him dat way. he's my atuk. and i think... i havent been that much of a cucu to him because i rarely come n visit him. when he stayed @ our house my grandma n mak usu didnt really like it cus to em it's 'no privacy'. i pity him. furthermore his children are fighting with one another, never-ending. i love him. when i had to go home (it was late n jazz was really tired) i just cant get myself to get up til my hubby had to hold me. i promised i'd come again before i depart for sandakan.
two days after dat (sunday) i went to visit atuk again. he looked worst. this time, i didnt take chances. i left my phone number to my mak itam and cousin kak zana. atuk was hardly breathing. and the thing i cant forget, i told him "atuk, please let go, don't wait for anybody to come home. the people who love you are all around you.' the moment i finished that sentence, he held my hand so tightly as if there's something he wanted to tell me. i was leaving for sandakan the next morning at 4 am from our house then we had to leave our car at papa's.
that night my heart pounded so hardly. i was finishing my last minute packing when my hubby's phone rang and he sounded grief. when he didn't hand the phone to me i knew it couldn't be good. he told me kak zana called tellin us atuk was nazak. i was stunt but quickly called my dad. as i hang up, i just dont feel right. i called kak zana straight away. then when she picked up, i can hear dat she's cryin and people just started to recite Surah Yassin. she didnt need to tell me anything. but she did anyway. she said 'Za, atuk dah tak ada Za'. my hubby saw i was falling apart and had to take the phone from me. i so sad... so so sad i cried and cried and cried tho i know there's no use cryin and it's not good for it's fated by God Almighty that he pass away. but i was relieved as well. i was relieved for he's not a burden anymore to his kids, i was relieved that he went away during ramadhan (he made it thank God) and i was relieved that his suffering ended. but i just couldn't forget.. the way he held my hand after i said wat i said.
this morning i went visiting hubby's grandpa's grave. it was melancholic. also ironic, both of em passed away just a few days before hari raya, but different years. azam's grandpa passed away last two years. that's life. and that's after life. we're all waiting for our time to go to that time after life... Innalillahiwainnailaihirajiun... Al-Fatihah...
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